A Completed List
Sometimes it scares me when I get the urges (pings) to do something big. Sometimes I don’t act on them. Sometimes I play small. Sometimes I think that it’s too much. Or not important enough or that it’s not the right timing. Sometimes.
That sometimes happens to me more often than I realize, well, until now because it’s a pattern that I no longer can un-see. All the rock-bottoms in my life happen because I don’t act on these urges or pings. Every single one of them. The most recent moment was how I ended up in yet again another rockbottom but came out on the other side with my dream apartment, an international trip for a client and have truly UPLEVELED aspects of my life that were low frequency.
I think it’s important to state here that I was deep in my Saturn return at this point. All the lessons I needed to learn were happening during this intense time. And this, was again, one of those lessons.
The List • June 2018
Months before the rockbottom, I had a ping to move into my own solo apartment. I really thought about it and put all my non-ego based wishes on the list. I was seeing someone and I had this deep subconscious belief that I could only afford the apartment if I shared with someone else (I took that through the DRE to fix that right up). So, I tried to take the relationship there to support this desire of getting my own place. Timing was not right. Relationship was not right. The relationship ended and so did my “ability” to live on my own.
West Side or West Hollywood
Kitchen to dance in
Spanish style with rounded door frames
Bookshelves and storage in walls (very LA style home)
The Rockbottom • August 2018
Fast forward two months, I’m in the depths of the Integrated Roadmap exploring for the first time all my shadowy bits during two retrogrades (of course). And what ended up happening blew up my whole world bringing to the forefront all my shadow aspects right in front of me.
And just like that I had to find a new place to live by the end of the month! Oh, and let me just add here that I didn’t save for this to happen or plan to have the perfect move, I hadn’t been looking for a place, I didn’t have a partner to move in with and I had less than a month to figure it all out ALL BY MYSELF. My family lives on the East Coast. Oh, and I had a trip planned to Mexico with my family - to make things even more complicated. This my friends, is what we call a rockbottom.
For an entire week at any waking free moment, I was searching for a place. I couldn’t find anything that was the right fit. And then all of a sudden, at 9am on Friday (the day before Mexico) I received the only email from Zillow (thank you, universe) with a new listing for an apartment in the same neighborhood from my current apartment. And, it was everything. Absolutely everything on the list. I went to see it shortly after, fell in love, applied on the spot and at 5pm I received a call that I was accepted. I just needed to get a cashiers check and be at the office by 6pm to sign the paperwork.
By 6:01pm I had signed for an apartment and was booking my bags for a 3am flight to Cabo. Now, the this was really when the hard work began… because I had to figure out how to pay for all the new expenses (wifi, heat, gas, electric, water, furniture) all on my own in addition to the (100%) increase of rent.
The Upgrade • September 2018
Truth be told, I had no idea if I was going to be able to afford this apartment and lifestyle after 1 month. I had no idea if I was going to make it happen. I spent every waking moment trying to keep it together. I ended up pulling my back from moving everything on the day of my move, at 9am the next day I had wifi being installed so I could continue on with client meetings at 10am. I never missed one meeting. I never declined one call. One project. One opportunity. Despite all the excuses I could have used. This my friends, is what its like to hustle. This is the grind. For two weeks, I sat on a bench at my computer because I didn’t even have an office chair.
Two weeks after I moved in I had a 10-day trip to Australia booked for a client trip. It was an absolute dream come true and the timing was as always divine. I spent the whole month just trying to keep things afloat. Trying to keep things together. The company, the potential clients inquiring to work with us, the employees, the bills, the paychecks… and then myself. I had never spent so much time alone.
I was getting to know myself. I was figuring out who my friends were. I was learning how to become a better human. A better boss. A better daughter. A better sister. A better friend. A better everything.
My life was being upgraded one by one. Starting with this apartment. October 1st I received an email from my accountant on a recap from the previous month. We not only made it work out - we were up 10% from the previous month. And just like that, I did it. I made it work. It was at this point that I realized that I can keep going, that I can keep living here, that my life not only became better it was significantly upgraded.
My lessons these days are learning how to navigate the pings earlier despite me being afraid of what is to come. Despite how big they may feel. When you’ve been through one rockbottom you know that you can and will make it out alive. But I want to reach the point where I don’t need those rock-bottoms to get me aligned on my path once again.
And this is where the practice continues…one day, one ping and one moment at a time.
Does this sound like you? Are you constantly hitting rock-bottoms? How do you navigate them? How do you stay on track? I’d love to hear your suggestions as I try to avoid them in the future!